Three months ago our lives changed for the better.
It was a Monday morning. My wife was having fairly steady contractions with increasing intensity. This was a good sign. It meant we were about to enter pre-labor -- or possibly, just entered it. We already went to the hospital the previous week for similar reasons (thinking we were entering into active labor) only to be told that she wasn't fully dilated yet -- not even close. By then we were already 3 days past our "due date".
My wife was disheartened, but I encouraged her and reminded her that as long as she's healthy, her womb is healthy, and the baby is healthy then everything is alright. If those three boxes are checked then everything is happening as they should. There's nothing to worry about.
So, Monday comes. The same pattern repeats. Only this time the contractions are closer together, and more intense.
Two questions pop up:
Do we go to the hospital again and risk being told she's not fully dilated yet, possibly opening ourselves to a barrage of medical intervention pestering (even though there are no complications)?
Do we just stay at home and wait it out? It was already difficult for my wife to walk around, let alone get into the car and travel to the hospital while having contractions. Do I want to risk exposing her to another disappointing report from the doctor?
We had to make a decision, and my wife trusted me to know what that decision is.
I weighed my options carefully and quickly.
If we go to the hospital and she's not fully dilated yet, then they will either send us home again (which is not a bad thing, it's just a hassle) or they might simply tell us to wait in the hospital if they see she's made enough progress to warrant medical attention for active labor.
I remember reading in the book Husband-Coached Natural Birthing about the dangers of speeding on the highway towards the hospital and how having a baby on the way doesn't justify reckless driving. Risking the lives of the mother, the child, and everyone else on the road is not what a good father does. The book also suggests that if a couple decides to "experiment" during their pre-labor that they might as well do it in the hospital in case she enters active labor.
So we decided to go to the hospital (again).
On the Thursday of the previous week the doctor told us she was 1 cm dilated.
That Monday a nurse assistant did a vaginal examination and told us she was 10 cm dilated.
We were excited. We decided to stay in the hospital. It was go time.
But, oh wait. It turns out that nurse assistant made an error. She wasn't 10 cm dilated. A kindhearted midwife tended to us and said she was actually 6 cm dilated. It was still enough reason to stay. In fact, it was the perfect scenario because it gave everyone enough time to prep my wife and to allow us to settle in our room where we can pace ourselves in preparation for active labor.
We arrived at the hospital around 9:30 am. Every 6 hours or so her dilation would increase about 2 cm. During this time we filled the hours by talking about how "we're doing it" -- how this is all finally coming together. I also went over my notes from our Bradley Birthing class to make sure I anticipate the pattern of her labor so I can tend to my wife properly. We also watched our favorite chef Marco Pierre White on YouTube. We learned the importance of "not just waiting" but actually engaging life and having fun even during pre-labor. And every time the contractions would begin we'd pause the video and I'd press my thumbs firmly on my wife's lower back while she tried different positions to engage deep relaxation. This is the key to healthy pregnancy: deep relaxation. Good preparation increases deep relaxation. Then once the contractions have subsided and we've gathered ourselves again, we resumed watching the greatest British chef in the world teach Australian home cooks the importance of keeping it simple in the kitchen and how Mother Nature is the True Artist. (Shout out to Masterchef Australia Season 7 on the TUBI app -- download it now.)
Six hours passed by and she was 8 cm dilated. It was about 3:30 pm. We were doing well. Another 6 hours passed by -- 9 cm. We're almost there.
It's 9:30 pm.
The day went by like a breeze. The hours felt like minutes -- literally. My wife and I would comment every few hours how fast the time goes by in the hospital, almost as if we entered a new dimension outside of space and time. And maybe we did. After all, we were engaging in the mystical process of Creation.
By evening things became stressful.
The doctor we had was unfortunately a male doctor. We had 3 doctors to choose from, two of which were female. The one we wanted was with us only on the first day since they come in the hospital by shift. My wife gave birth early the next morning, which was the male doctor's shift. One thing I wish we could've done differently was request for the female doctor we preferred to stay with us. She was quite accommodating -- far more than the other two actually -- and there was no harm in asking. My wife felt the most comfortable with her and I should've been more assertive in tending to her wants and needs by asking the doctor to stay with us.
Instead, we ended up with the male doctor, the one we liked the least.
It's funny how these things play out. And just to be clear, we liked him the least not just because he was male (obviously my wife prefers a female doctor). We disliked him because he was absolutely rude towards me and pretentious in his kindness towards my wife. He was the most resistant against natural birthing. Not only that, but the basic human courtesy of greeting his patient's husband was completely foreign in his medical practice. He would interrupt me when I tried to explain our birthing plan and when I would ask him a question he would ignore me and talk to my wife instead.
Like a snake oil salesman, he'd smile and pressure my wife for medication, induction, and by that evening, a c-section.
Anyways, our doctor said we seemed to be stuck at 9 cm. According to him, if my wife doesn't fully dilate in the next few hours then he'll consider it a complication worth having a c-section.
We just let him talk. Once he left the room I told my wife we're not having a c-section. There is no complication. All the records show my wife is doing great. She's healthy, her womb is healthy, and our baby is healthy. My wife agreed. We were one in spirit.
One hour passed by, then two. Then another. Still 9 cm.
The doctor visited us again. He said the same thing.
My wife asked if we had another option other than the c-section. The doctor said that's the only option available for her. The only one.
My wife's faith in our natural birthing process began to slightly wane.
I anticipated this would happen.
Let's step back for a moment and discuss a few things I discovered in this whole journey of natural birthing that I think you might find useful.
For 9 months my wife, her womb, and our baby was in great health. Her diet, exercise, sleeping pattern, stress level, and engagement in life was in a good place. Every doctors visit we had the results for her check ups said the same exact thing: everything is good -- except for our last doctors appointment. I'll discuss that in a bit.
You see, my wife and I decided from the very beginning to have natural birthing the Bradley way. This means we refused to have medication to numb her out or to have any kind of unnatural methods to force labor unless it was a medical complication that risked her health or the baby's health.
It made no sense to us to use medication when there is no complication.
If she is numbed out then there is no way for her to feel the contractions, meaning, she won't know when to push during active labor. This can actually increase her pain because it can unnecessarily prolong the pregnancy. Not only that, but whatever medications doctors give to the mother is amplified tremendously towards the baby. Everything that goes in the bloodstream of the mother goes into the bloodstream of the baby.
Would you give the same dosage of medication to a newborn baby the dosage received by an adult woman? Of course not. That would be harmful to the baby.
And yet this is their go-to practice for pregnancy.
Not to mention they will charge you more for every medication or operation performed, regardless whether it was necessary or not.
To be clear, once again, I am not against the use of medication, c-section, or any kind of medical intervention provided the pregnancy has a complication, especially of the life-and-death variety.
But our situation wasn't a complication.
The example we learned was that birthing is similar to swimming: when you swim in the pool there's a lifeguard who watches over you. The lifeguard doesn't micromanage your swimming. He simply watches, and if you're at risk, then he jumps in. Otherwise, you swim as you feel comfortable to do so. Why? Because the body is built for swimming. The body knows how to swim.
Similarly, every mother is built for birthing. A woman's body knows how to give birth. It's not an abnormality that needs to be medicated nor is it some foreign practice that the body is unaware of. Rather, it's one of the most natural things in life! Women have been giving birth naturally since the beginning of time. It's only in the last 100 years or so that people started treating pregnancy like it's some kind of illness.
Childbearing is not a disease; it's a gift from God.
In the 9 months that my wife was pregnant no one has given us a harder time than our own doctors (2 out of the 3). This is another thing we wish we did differently. We should've went with doctors who supported natural birthing.
During our last doctors appointment, which was scheduled the same day as her "due date" (only God knows a baby's true due date, not doctors), my wife's blood pressure shot up because she felt so much pressure from our doctor (the other female one) to have induced labor, meaning, they want to force her labor to happen at their time for their convenience instead of letting our baby take the time she needs to prepare leaving her mommy's womb.
Like apples that ripen at their own time, each baby has their own time to leave the womb. Just because it's apple season doesn't mean every apple ripens at the same exact time. There's a general window of time where apples ripen, and there's a general window of time for baby's to leave the womb -- and we haven't passed that window yet.
Just like the inaccurate "due date", there were so many things our doctors and their team told us would happen that didn't happen, things they explicitly and repeatedly emphasized we needed to have done that turned out to be completely unnecessary. All it did was create fear and doubt in my wife. I'll make a separate post about this.
Anyways, back to the story.
It's Tuesday morning, about 12:30 am.
In the last 9 hours my wife only increased 1 cm.
Fear and doubt filled the air.
Questions ran back and forth in our mind:
-Would this lead to a c-section?
-Was all our hard work the last 9 months, especially the last 15 hours, all for nothing?
-Are we going to be medicated anyway?
-They also told us from our last ultrasound that our baby was 9 lbs. And since we're 8 days "passed her due date" there's a possibility that she's even bigger than 9 lbs by now. Will this lead to shoulder dystocia?
-Is our doctor lying to us? Are we already 10 cm dilated this whole time, but because we refused medication which lessens his payment, is he now forcing a c-section to compensate and get back at us?
-Am I risking the health of my wife by choosing natural birthing?
I became angry. I didn't like our options.
We decided to pray together.
My wife asked me to sing a worship song. I was a worship leader in my former Protestant faith. The song that immediately came to me was "I Give You My Heart" by Hillsong. The line that especially spoke to me was:
Every breath that I take Every moment I'm awake Lord, have Your way in me
Every breath.
Diaphragmatic breathing, and holding it while pushing in active labor, was the key in deep relaxation and gently guiding the baby out the womb and into the world.
Then a thought struck me like a lightning bolt.
"NAP!" I said to myself. "Natural Alignment Plateau."
I searched my Bradley Birthing notes and found the encouragement I needed. It's common among 30-50% of women to have continuous contraction while the dilation pauses for a time. There are various possible reasons for this. Ultimately, it means our baby and my wife's body are taking their time to align themselves properly so that a healthy transition from womb to world can be achieved.
I wanted to affirm my newfound confidence with a second opinion from a different doctor. So we asked our nurse if there was another doctor in the hospital who can tend to us just to get a second opinion. This was a mistake, but it just affirmed what I felt initially about the medical community.
I asked the new doctor about NAP and if this was what we're experiencing at the moment.
What's that? Is there anything I should know about? I've been doing this for over 30 years.
This was the common attitude among medical professionals in my experience. An honest question is shot down with sarcasm and smugness. This is just one example of many similar moments we've experienced during these 9 months, and even after that with family members who work in the medical field. Yes, even after our baby was born vibrant and full of life we had family members and friends who looked disdainfully at natural birthing.
(I will say though that we've also had some of the loveliest nurses tend to us. One particular midwife that I mentioned in the beginning was absolutely golden in the way she tended to us that we felt compelled to tell her just how wonderful she is -- and how my wife absolutely loved her glasses. A simple compliment goes a long way. The first nurse who accommodated us when we entered pre-labor was also fantastic. Her energy was bright, joyful, and reassuring. She was professional but not plastic. There was a ping in her voice that you'd hear when you go on a vacation with friends, an excitement and focused enthusiasm. We also had one nurse who was assigned to us once we were transferred to our labor room. She was quite warm in her professionalism, the way a kind aunt would tend to you if she hasn't seen you in years and desired to reconnect: gentle yet direct. She came to visit us the following day in our room just to make sure we were alright. She didn't have to. She wasn't assigned to us, but she visited anyway. Workers like that deserve recognition and raise. Thank you Martha, MaryAnn, Eunice, and Lisa.)
Unfortunately, not every nurse is of that golden standard.
When we entered the last 8 hours of active labor we had a nurse whose temperament reminded me of a certain abrasive woman I used to work with in one of the congregations I used to serve in. She was loud, lacked personal boundaries, but generous in serving others. Our nurse was the same. It annoyed me. Especially near the end of our labor. She did something so extra I just had to ignore it so I can focus on my wife.
After explaining to my wife about NAP and how, once her body tells her it's time to push, then it's time to push, she and I became one in spirit again. By then enough time had passed that her contractions intensified significantly. We asked our doctor to do another check up to see if she was fully dilated.
He said she was 9.5 cm and that he can make minor adjustments to help her push. We went through with it.
At this time, the nurse assigned to us, the one I didn't like, raised her voice at my wife and verbosely said:
Christine, look at me! There's no going back now! You have to do this naturally. This is it!
I wanted to throw her out the room.
What a stupid thing to say.
Of course we're doing it naturally. This was the plan the whole time. I made that clear to everyone in the room from the very beginning. But I knew that nurse said what she said to make herself seem more important than she actually is. It's like that family member who opens their mouth without thinking during family discussions just to say something, but no actual substance is being said.
Once we entered Second Stage labor for gently pushing the baby out, my wife and I immediately entered into our breathing practice. And as expected, the doctor kept telling my wife to just push, push, push...so I had to gently guide my wife and remind her to push to the point of comfort and only when she feels the contractions. It made no sense to push when she's not having contractions. When she's not contracting that's her time to pause and rest, to gather herself for the next wave so she has energy to push again.
The first thing I saw was our baby's hair coming out -- then PLOOP! Her whole head popped out. Soon enough her whole body slid out and she was able to experience skin-to-skin time with her Mama for the very first time.
On a rainy Tuesday morning at 2:58 am our baby girl was born. We spent nearly 24 hours in the hospital by then.
She was born 8.4 lbs, not the 9 lbs they tried to scare us with.
There were no shoulder injuries on our baby. And my wife was in good health after giving birth. We were ready to go home by the time they finished all the check ups on our baby.
Despite all this, they made us stay in the hospital for another 2 full days. It seems the medical field loves to suck your soul dry. And if they can't dry your faith, they'll try to dry your finances. Maybe I'm being cynical. Or maybe I'm just not blind.
I wasn't in the mood to argue with them anymore. Our baby was healthy. My wife was healthy. And I was tired. I had to maintain a delicate balance between staying strong, steadfast, and level-headed in our hope for natural birthing against all the fear-mongering of the medical system for 9 months while being gentle, compassionate, and understanding towards my wife who was experiencing a life-transforming miracle before our very eyes. This is a lot to balance in such a long period of time.
Husband-coached natural birthing is no walk in the park, but it was definitely worth the journey.
Ultimately, I'm glad we didn't give up.
By the mercies of God, we didn't let the voices and opinions of others sway us from the truth.
And the truth is: everything was alright.
God knew what He was doing.
And we're at peace with our decision.
I'm glad we found the Bradley Birthing Method and that we took a class to prepare for our baby.
I'm glad we were proactive, not reactive, to the future we wanted.
I'm glad we found people along the way who supported us, prayed for us, and gave us gifts and warm memories as we faced the miracle of bringing a child into the world.
We're super grateful and excited for this new adventure in our lives.
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